


I don't wanna be... a murderer

by GlitterGummybear



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-03
Updated: 2011-06-03
Packaged: 2017-10-20 02:33:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/207838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitterGummybear/pseuds/GlitterGummybear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was just laying there. The blond man on the dark carpet, the dark carpet with the big, blood-red stain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I don't wanna be... a murderer

_Our love, his trust, I might as well take a gun and put it to his head, get it over with._

A beautiful hotel room. Beige walls that radiate luxury. A gorgeous double bed, neatly made. A simple but beautiful couch next to the window. A wonderful view. A nice calm quiet.  
...or not completely? If only everything was that peaceful.

Soft sobbing filled the silence, as the other young man tries to offer comfort. There was nothing, nothing in this whole world, that could make up for what had happened.  
And it was all because of the man who was now crying heart rendering and trembling terribly.

“I hate myself so much, Tommy. I promised to stay with him and take a look now. He’s gone. He’s _gone_ , Tommy. It’s my fault.”  
His voice sounded so broken. He was deadly pale, unhealthy thin. His body trembled uncontrollably and he held on to Tommy to not lose himself completely. “I want him back. Please.”  
Tommy softly stroked through Adam’s black hair, soothing him gently. “Calm down, Adam. Calm down some, this is not going to solve anything. Keep calm.”

It took some time for the singer to calm down a little.  
“Tell me exactly what happened? The past two weeks you haven’t had a normal conversation with anyone. You really should talk about it, Adam.”  
“He was just lying there...” Adam fell silent for a moment, staring unseeing in front of him. He again saw the scene before him.

 _The blond man on the dark carpet, the dark carpet with the big, blood-red stain on it. The letter next to him, together with the necklace that had been the sign of their love. Tears burned in his eyes but didn’t roll down, he couldn’t understand what had happened. He had killed his own boyfriend._   
_Slowly he picked up the letter and read through it, without really picking up what it said. His eyes fell upon the last lines: ‘I love you, you are beautiful. You’re everything that I want, but you don’t want me. Lots of love and kisses and hugs, Sauli’._   
_It teared him apart. It broke his heart in a thousand pieces and let them fall on the floor, after which he himself fell to the floor. And for a short time he just lay there. In silence, his eyes closed, the necklace pressed against his skin, the letter in his other hand. For a little while he just lay there next to his boyfriend. His dead boyfriend._

“He was just lying there... dead.”  
“Suicide?”  
“Su- yeah, that, yes.” Adam sighed softly, couldn’t call it suicide. Sauli had been murdered, thrown out. The blond man hadn’t committed suicide; he had died because his heart had been broken.

And Adam lost himself in his thoughts again for a short moment, lost in the images of what he used to have and now had lost. “I told him that I loved him... I really love him, Tommy.”

 _Sauli’s hand slid softly through Adam’s hair. They looked at each other, silently, enjoying the moment. They had kicked the covers from themselves, it had been too warm and there was nobody else that could see their bodies, nobody except the two men. Those two bodies fitting so perfectly together, went so well together._   
_“I love you, Adam.”_   
_A small smile appeared around Adam’s lips, but he didn’t answer Sauli for a long time._   
_“You’re sweet, Sauli.” He couldn’t say anything else. So instead of having more conversation, he pressed his lips against those of the Finnish man and crawled on top of him carefully. Gently he stroked over Sauli’s side and decided to continue where they had left off the night before._

“I really love him, Tommy. But the only thing I ever used him for was sex... How stupid can a person be?”  
“Do you think he noticed?”  
“Oh, he definitely noticed... That look in his eyes. I crushed him every single time. I treated him so poorly, Tommy. What was I thinking= I could picture us so well, in the future, together, with a child. We would have a son and we would name him Sam, just because we both think that it’s a beautiful name. He would have a good life with Sauli as a father - if he would have a good life with me in the mix I don’t know, but Sauli said he would. And we would get married somewhere and the wedding would be wonderful. I could picture him perfectly in a gorgeous, white suit. He is so beautiful, Tommy. So beautiful. And then we would be a happy little family. I would tour some more, but not until Sam would be old enough because then they could just come along on tour with me. And now that dream is ruined. It’s my fault.”

And as Adam put his head to rest on Tommy’s shoulder for a moment, his eyes fell shut. His body was exhausted, but his thoughts didn’t leave him alone. He hadn’t been able to sleep much for days, or weeks even.

 _Slowly he drove off, with the radio on and his sunglasses in front of his eyes. He sang along with the music softly. After a calm drive, he arrived at Tommy’s house, he parked the car and waited for his bassist to get in, drove of immediately after. They were just going to go shop pleasantly, together. Adam had said he needed the distraction and Tommy already hardly left his house._

 _The afternoon and evening went by all too quickly. Adam stopped the car at Tommy’s house and hugged him._   
_It was in that short moment that their lips touched each other, their souls hugged each other and their hearts started to beat together, that a picture ruined the moment. A picture that was on the internet within an hour and within that hour ended up in Sauli’s hands. A picture that would cost someone his life and crushed another person’s life so much that there was nothing left._

The black-haired man started to hyperventilate, to tremble, to cry and scream out of desperation. Tommy wrapped his arms securely round Adam and started to whisper softly that everything would be okay, but there was nothing that could calm the other man. His cries cut through the air and his tears showed just how devastated he really was. His body was so strong and so weak at the same time. He breathed in raggedly and sniffed softly. Anger through impotence.  
He jerked himself free from Tommy’s arms and watched him piercingly. “This is your fault,” he hissed. The second the words rolled from his lips, he shook his head. He couldn’t blame anyone else for his own mistakes.  
“No, I’m sorry. I did it myself. _Fuck_ , I did do it myself. And I could have been there on time. I could have been there on time if I hadn’t tried to call Sauli first, while I was staying with you. I should have known he wouldn’t pick up the phone.”

 _He drove as fast as his car could go, passed every other car with a curse because everyone was driving much too slow. He was in a hurry, damn it. His heart was beating much too fast and tears were making it hard to see the road in this dark night. every second that passed was a second too many. He had to be on time, he had to prevent Sauli from doing anything stupid. It was just a picture, it was just a kiss, Sauli shouldn’t look for any meaning behind it._   
_He nearly fell out of his car when he finally came home, stormed into the house and ran up the stairs immediately. He threw open door after door, but nowhere could he find the man he so desperately wanted to hold in his arms and tell him how sorry he was. It was in that instant that the picture was taken, that he realized just how much his boyfriend meant to him and how terrible his life would be without him. Maybe his soul belonged with Tommy, but his future was with Sauli. His life was with Sauli, and he couldn’t lose that now because of one stupid picture and one stupid kiss._   
_Adam threw the last door open and for a short moment he just stood there , looking at Sauli who was lying on the floor._   
_He was just laying there. The blond man on the dark carpet, the dark carpet with the big, blood-red stain._

Adam rocked back and forth and cried incessantly. He shook his head violently and he squeezed his eyes shut. It was all just a dream, it was nothing but a lie. Everything was going to be alright again.

 _I don’t wanna take away his life._   
_I don’t wanna be a murderer._


End file.
